Most every day I get up I try to earn some favor from God that will allow my life to be a little easier or "more blessed". At the end of most of these days I just have depression and disappointment. It is very hard work to try and get God to love you more!
With the help of an unyielding heart, I set out anew most every day. Oh now I pretend that I have my act together, I pretend to walk in grace and to live care fee under the provision of the Lord. What I truly do is act out my desired reality while inside, I live with the real me. I'm waiting for the real me to go away and the me I want to be to live.
Fear plays a major role in my life. Fear of rejection, fear of hurt, fear of failure; all work on me like a roller pin working in yeast. More than that, like a overweight half drunker sailor who is serving time in the galley by getting the bread ready. Driven by anger and filled with bitterness this sailor slaps and punches the bread, using verbal insult to get his job done. At times I feel like my inner life just knocks me around. I feel abused for a purpose. Molded into a small container and heated until I am ready to be eaten by man.
How can I live in grace and favor. I know what this cost. I know who I am. I know what I am in the very deep places of my thoughts, attitudes, emotions. Sure I have some level of the gift of self-control, that is what makes me the least bit socially acceptable. I am gifted at pretending to me a better me. Grace and favor are just to costly a gift to embrace, doing so results in humility, deep unending humility.
One of the places of greatest pain and suffering is the place that I can never earn love from God. My "manness" is empty, broken. I fail at all attempts of earning love. This is a haunting truth. For the immature it is a "so what". "Let's party and fill our lives with selfishness." "Come listen to me, I am favored by the Lord, blessed, loved, and it cost me nothing!" Why do I call them immature? Do I want them to be unhappy with me?
Where is the truth, the truths about right living with God? Where do obedience and grace meet? How can a righteous man live in righteous ways and not feast at the table of irresponsibility? There must be "a way".
Silently now I hear His voice
My unborn brother takes the lead
Like a beam of light
He over shadows me
So on the other side of me is the only dark place
Where will I cast my gaze
What will I choose for focus
The unborn One
Me
The Shadow created
I choose to see them all
To be one
To live for another
To be united in my division
To live in the space between failure and grace
The space I call "me"
Like my brother
Bread for men
That them might eat
And live
1 comment:
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