Beware, God is God

October 15, 2011

I am once again in a situation where I discover that God is much more passionate than I am.  While I was seeking to undergo this little discipleship exercise to become more in union with Him, it appears God is taking advantage of me and the situation to do much more.  God is after my heart; again and again I live as though God is mainly after my behaviors, my outward behaviors.  God is tricky in the way He works and takes the little that I intend to do and seeks to impact the whole core of my being.  Beware, God is God.

I was going along quite well seeking to live moment by moment in being obedient to the Lord.  This method of living life, as opposed to making a plan and setting a purpose, was going to be a 30 day exercise for me.  It was going well; more peace, more freedom to listen…

Then I started to have the same symptoms that I have had twice before.  I started to run a fever and had a pain in my butt where an internal infection lurked in the past.  I was challenged to the core to set an agenda on my own behalf to get God to move and heal me.  My mind started racing to gather all the information I could, what could I do to get God to move in my behalf- what I could I do.

But Rod, aren’t you on a discipleship exercise where you moment by moment do the will of the Lord and trust Him to lead you into all that you need?  Sure, that is what I am doing when I am not taking care of myself and right now, since I am not feeling well, I need to take care of myself.  Wouldn’t you?  Would you trust God to lead you into healing?  Wouldn’t it be foolish to trust God to take you where you already know where to go?

I thought of what it must have been like for Israel to be in the wilderness on day 2 and most of day 3 without water.  I have gone some time without water, but never with my family in tow and never with no solution waiting.  It is one thing to be thirsty and you need to get back to the car or next lake.  It is another thing not to know if there is even a next lake.  I suppose that most of the time in the wilderness, there is not.  Most Israelites probably knew this even if they lived most of their lives in Egypt.

In my little discipleship exercise I have learned it takes more faith to trust God to lead then it does to trust God to reward you for your efforts.  Both take effort.  It may be the case that following takes more effort than leading and asking God to bless, confirm and reward; but I am not sure yet.  Following God, in the discipleship exercise was one thing, in the face of potential sickness, is another.

I think this revealed a fatal flaw in my understanding and knowledge of God.  I keep thinking of God mostly as a man.  I keep considering that God is mostly concerned about my outward behavior, my actions.  God may not be mostly concerned about these though.  It may be the case that God is mostly concerned about my heart, my thoughts, my motives.  It will be a cruel day of judgment if the leaders of the body of Christ have taught God’s children to control the outside but not be transformed in the inner man; that is if God is going to judge the thoughts and intents of our heart.  

Could God be so aggressive as to desire that our thoughts and motives be filled with His intention and will?  Could the love of God and power of God intend to work so deep as to transform the inner person into a whole new kind of person?  

The first two days I was feeling sick, fever and pain, a couple of friends prayed for me.  I was seeking to practice a following heart and not be aggressive in my need, but more humble in my following.  When these people prayed for me I was overcome by the love of God.  I do not say “overcome” to try to get you to agree with what I am saying, I want to give an accurate testimony.   When they prayed love came over me.  For me this was quite different.  I have felt the power and presence of God numerous times.  I have been prayed for many, many times and have felt God’s compassion through His children.  But this time I was overcome by love.  What I was aware of was the fact that I did not deserve their love or the Fathers.  Love was in that moment a free gift that I did not have a right to.

Numerous times for me I have felt a right to the love of God.  In seeking to live rightly before the Lord I made plans and effort to end up in a certain spot.  That spot was “being loved”.  I wanted God to love me and I was going to do what it required to be loved.  This past week I was divorced from that mindset.  I was not seeking God to mature me but simply loving Him by obedience.

In reflection I think I have it in my mind that hard work = deserved love.  When I set a goal, even the goal of being more like God, and work hard to achieve that goal, I believe that I deserve His love.  Love for me on the motivational level is no longer freely given, it is achieved.  Without that mindset and in these situations, love was overwhelmingly free.  It was my whole awareness of how vastly unworthy I was of love that enhanced love to overcome me.  

So in these ramblings I was to reflect to myself and possible others, that following God via obedience is a lifestyle that may require more faith.  A possible reward for this may be a deeper understanding and possible a deeper experience of love.  In addition, if you are thirsty, it takes some effort to stay a follower and not run off by yourself to deal with the issue.